6 expert tips for how to talk to your partner about money

But often not much is said about what comes after. When the overly practical, slightly awkward conversations start to surface.

Like, how do you split the rent fairly when you finally move in together?

Who is going to take time out of the paid workforce if you decide to have a child?

How do you approach superannuation fairly if one of you has earned less money over the years while caring for family members?

Money can often be one of the most avoided conversation topics in relationships, even between couples who communicate well about almost everything else.

Silvia Pothoven, Head of Corporate Benefits at Gallagher**,    explains why it can be so hard, and how to make it easier.

1. Money is more personal than it looks

Before you can have a useful conversation about finances, it helps to understand why it can feel so charged, Silvia says.

"Money is often considered a deeply personal matter because it can be closely tied to an individual's identity, values, and sense of security,

“For many people, money can feel emotionally weighty too: guilt, happiness, pride, shame, or judgment.

It reflects what we prioritise, and what we've been through, and it can be impacted by their upbringing and whether there was financial literacy taught in our households growing up.

As Silvia points out, cultural backgrounds can play a role in our emotional understanding of money and wealth.

"We can face so many of the components mentioned above and this is why it can be so hard to talk about in relationships."

2. You don't need to have it figured out before you start

Many couples put off the big financial conversations because they feel awkward, or because major milestones like buying a home or having children feel far away.

"Not every couple have the 'grown up conversations' before moving in and getting married, as some of those things can feel like an eternity away or they can feel awkward to talk about," Silvia says.

Common topics that tend to come up at big life moments include how to split day-to-day expenses, how to save together when incomes are unequal, and what parental leave arrangements look like if you plan to have children.

Getting ahead of those conversations, even roughly, makes the practical decisions easier when they arrive, Silvia explains.

3. Money has deeper meaning beyond just a bank balance

A productive money conversation isn't about comparing bank balances.

"It actually has nothing to do with bank balances.

“That comes later," Silvia says.

Initial topics to chat through as a couple:

1. What does financial security means to each of you.
2. What does financial freedom look like?
3. What does it feel like to worry about money?

"Openness and transparency and judgment-free conversations are key,” Sylivia explains.

“Active listening is key.

"We have two ears and one mouth for a reason.

“Listen to your partner and don't shame, judge or criticise if they have a different perspective to you.”

4. Build toward shared goals

Once you understand each other's relationship with money, look at where your goals overlap.

Some examples might be:

Short-term:

• Where's the next holiday?
• What suburb do you want to live in?

Long-term:

• What’s your attitude to investing?
• How much risk are you prepared to take on?
• What does retirement look like?

"Where there are commonalities, put them at the top of your list," Silvia says.

"When you work together, you will get there quicker."

"Where your goals differ, that's a problem-solving conversation, not a values conflict."

"When there are things that are completely different, it will come down to problem solving and compromise."

5. Don't let it all sit on one person

Once you've agreed on priorities, set up roles, responsibilities, and regular check-ins together.

"It cannot solely sit on one person," Silvia says.

"That will undo all the good work you have done."

Shared ownership of the finances keeps both people engaged and prevents resentment building over time, she explains.

6. Recognise there will always be trickier topics to align on

Family influence on money, particularly when there's a significant cultural difference or a potential transfer of wealth, tends to be the conversation that gets shelved, Silvia says.i

However, it's worth having early if possible – or at least being open about how it’s not straightforward and reasons for why that might be.

"Open communication, mutual respect, and a shared sense of purpose" are what make those conversations productive,  Silvia explains, and what help couples "build a solid financial foundation together."

If you can't get there as a couple, get some help

Not every money conversation will resolve itself neatly.

"A financial adviser can provide guidance and a neutral perspective," Silvia says.

Sometimes an outside voice is the thing that finally moves things forward.

The Australian government platform MoneySmart is a great place to gather more information on the topic of relationships and finances.

*Financial advice disclaimer: This blog is intended as general information and not as financial advice. Please seek personalised advice from a registered financial planner to suit your own individual circumstances.  

** Gallagher provides financial wellbeing support and services to Bank Australia employees.

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